Because The Mind Is A Weapon, See

And it's got you on

Your hands and knees

Pull the trigger if you're gonna

We all know that you wanna

Count off 1, 2, 1, 2, 3!

You better pray that there’s

Another way out

You better pray that

Someone’s listening now

(And doesn't wanna watch you drown)

'Cause when you lie like

The devil himself

No angel's gonna hear your

Cry for help!

I found myself in the dingy, rundown room again. I looked around, frantic, for a way out but my feet were glued to the spot. I began to panic. I couldn’t get out and soon he would be here to use me again, to hold me in place and tell me how to let him use me.

He came out of nowhere, shoving me to my hands and knees. I tried to stand up but he pushed me down again.

“Stay,” He barked. I nodded, tears rolling down my cheeks. He stood behind me, thrusting his hips into my hind side. I felt him get hard and I sobbed harder.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted him to kill me. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to know what he was doing to me, I didn’t want to let him. I wanted to go to heaven where everything was rainbows and kittens and cake and candy.

He stopped.

“I’m done,” He said as if I was a machine he was using. “You can do whatever you want with yourself now.” I sobbed even harder. Now he had rights over what I did with myself. I wasn’t my own person anymore. I was a dog that someone else owned.

He kneeled down on his knees and handed me a gun. I took it from him and ran my hands over it. I stared at it for a few minutes, thinking about what in hell I was going to use it for. Would I blow a bullet in his head or mine?

“Let me help you,” He told me. He placed his hands over mine and moved them to the right spot on the gun. He turned it towards my face. I slipped it into my mouth, squeezing my eyelids tightly together.

As I hesitated ending my life, I felt a hand on my back. “Go ahead.” The man said. Would I follow his orders?

The trigger fell back, almost as if by it’s own accord. But I could tell that there was a slight pull in my first finger.

My eyes flew open. I was lying in my bed, squeezing the pillow tightly. Sweat was running down my face, along with tears.

How could I have listened to him? How could I have let him help me kill myself? I’ve never been the kind of person to give up. Sure, I’ve had falters where giving up sounded like a really good idea but I never did. I’ve been able to deal with things similar to this before… why was it so easy to give up now? If I was just going to give up the moment someone shouted boo, then maybe I deserved to be raped.

I’m never going to get back to normal, am I? I’ll never be the same strong, confident Genevieve I used to be. I can’t stand knowing the me I loved isn’t going to come back.

Even though I know it’s all my fault, I wish someone was there to save me.

I closed my eyes, trying to think of something else. I couldn’t. My mind kept making me feel guilty. I felt like I was bending over again, held in place by an invisible force. I felt the guilt, I felt the pain. I sobbed soundlessly, wishing that I would fall asleep and never wake up again. The pain was too much to bear. The world was one big black color, devoid of all happiness. I couldn’t stop crying.

The darkness closed in around me, like Satan hugging a lost soul. It was a cold, evil hug that I wanted to shake free from. I couldn’t escape though and fell into the arms of darkness. I relinquished myself to thoughts of guilt and fear. I know I’ll never reach a point of normalcy again. The darkness will always be there.

If I drown tonight, bring me back to life.